Auf Wiedersen Deutschland

First Friday night out in Frankfurt

Apfelwine tasting festival in Oberursel with Jenny Brunette, Jenny Blond, and Sarah

Alt-Oberursel Brauhaus--my first German meal--A Weizen and Schnitzel

Stuttgart wine festival with Caitie--we bought each other roses.

Crepes with my Aussie friend Taylor--Frankfurt Museum Fest

Checking out Swabian Castles with Emily--Ravensburg

Traveling to Italy-- The beautifulAlps in Innsbruck, Austria

Charlie's Angels in Florence, Italy

Italian train travel complete with Halloween cookies and guidebooks

Partying next to the Moulin Rouge with Aussie Katrina

Dancing on a bar? Check. Nice Liederhosen, Vici.

Not a goodbye...it's a "see you later."

Lions and Tigers and Bears, OH MY!

It was like being inside of a zoo, circus, and film all at once. The streets of Cologne were covered in every sort of costume both imaginable and never thought of. By day six of Carnival, the costumes and the streets were clear indications of the end of the season and the approaching of the 40 days of Lent. Dirty, torn, broken in, and sickened from days of drinking, the locals were clearly ready for a change (in both wardrobe and habit). I was anticipating the following days for a completely different reason. With my bag packed and the remainder of my belongings already far ahead of me, I am sitting at my gate awaiting my flight arrival. I leave behind a lot of people that I love and a country that became a second home in just a few short months. Will it be a new adventure or a complete disaster?  The only way to find out is to go.  After all, they say you can always go home. 

Köln Karneval

As many of you know, a week from today is my official last day in Oberursel, Germany. I make way to a new home in London, but not before I make a stop in Cologne for Karneval. I will arrive on Saturday and depart to London on Wednesday. That is four full days!

Now for those who have not heard of this event, it is basically an amped up version of Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Yes, you heard me right. That should give everyone and idea of just how serious the Germans are about the kick off to the lent season. I am not quite sure what to expect, but every local I talk to about it says basically the same thing: "Wow, Karneval, it's so crazy. Germans go absolutely crazy. You're going to think Germans are so insane." Naturally, I'm a combination of anxious, intimidated, and excited.  What better way to say goodbye to wonderful Deutschland than to party with crazy Germans for four days straight?  

Oh and did I mention the best part? Everyone dresses up in costumes. Every single person. Elderly people are suddenly transformed into sexy nurses and clowns complete with face paint and wigs. People even dress up their dogs (and for Germans, that is not surprising...they are infatuated with their pups). I'm deciding between a pirate and a 1920s gangster at the current moment, but with my limited au pair income, I'm thinking I will decide on whatever is easiest on the wallet.

As with many religious traditions like Karneval, there is a pagan background. Since the Romans settled the area, the origins of Carnival go back to 2000 years ago. However, Karneval as it's known today in Cologne dates back to 1823.  It features the same three "trinitarian" celebrities every year: the prince, the peasant, and the virgin. Each day from Thursday-Wednesday hosts a plethora of major events with its most popular on the streets of Cologne itself.  I am hoping and praying for above freezing weather! More on this later :-)

ERN

My friend got diagnosed with a serious form of cancer and that has really been making me contemplate the nature of my daily worries recently.

She is conquering all the fear with leaping, bounding success. This girl is not ordinary by any means.  At 25 years old, she boats a life of successes and victories. And this new challenge is daunting to her, no doubt, but her attitude is revolutionary. Let me explain...

Cancer? I've got this. Chemo? Bring it on! Shaving my head? I'll look better that way.

I am so proud of her bravery and courage, but I feel so proud to know her because she has stayed unapologetically and proudly herself through the whole process.  She is still finding herself, still learning, still discovering, accomplishing, achieving, loving, and mostly being Teri Jo.

Home is Whenever I'm With You

All that they say about love is completely true. The authors, poets, philosophers, film makers, and artists were not lying. All the rumors of its misery, its elation, and its insanity is completely and utterly accurate.

The last person I was with was my best friend before we started dating. When things finally ended, I half-expected to be won back and wooed into love because it's what always what happens in the movies, right? There is always the dramatic ending scene where one person runs down the street in the pouring rain to the other's house, sweeps them off their feet, and all is right with the world.  (Romantic Movie Scenes....awwww)  My ex told me in the end that things like that did not exist and that people did not really do that no matter how much love there was. I absolutely refused to believe him. I did not want to give up on that dream.

One of my best friends here in Germany, Julia, is a bartender at the Irish pub I frequent (to say I frequent it is an understatement). One night in November, she asked me to meet her at the pub as it was her night off. I walked in and said hello to Julia and saw a face that I did not recognize. Byron from Wales, also a bartender, was sitting with her and unfortunately for both of us, the attraction was instant, but I had just ended an engagement. Obviously the timing was off, so we became good friends instead.

On a cold and rainy December night, I parted ways with Byron at the train station in town. Angry and confused at how I felt for him, I walked away abruptly, without explanation or parting words. I walked quickly with a thousand thoughts running through my mind, Then it happened. I thought I was dreaming. He chased after me...in the rain. He kissed me...in the rain. A speech about life and regrets was given. He was eloquent and genuine.  That night would not be the last time our confusion and disillusion with real life would come into play. He chased me down more than once and it was so much more meaningful and romantic than in any movie I'd ever seen. But it came with a cost.

It's far from perfect what Byron and I had. He and I can admit that honestly. I feel like that is what makes what we had so great.  We kept ourselves attached enough to reality to understand the gravity of the situation, but we also don't forget how we felt for each other.  We both believe in equal parts fate and reality, romance and logic.

Then I decided to move to London....

Love hardly ever makes logical sense. The timing is almost never perfect. Emotions and outside factors complicate even the most stable of people.  If this whole living abroad experience has taught me anything, it is that there are people in my life who refuse to walk out even when it gets tough. There are people, not places, that will always be my home. At the end of the day, it's not the ones who quit on you that matter; it's those people who love you at your absolute worst and best and will chase you in the rain. I am loved. I am worth it. I know that now, more than ever.

The longevity of relationships does haunt me from time to time, but then I tell the thoughts to leave me. I cannot control life or its circumstances. To be honest, I don't want to. I am living in this moment right now as a result of circumstances that I often did not understand, appreciate, or welcome.

Thank you to all of you who have loved me unconditionally when I know it was not easy. Thank you for holding my hand, for making me laugh, crying with me, for listening to me. Thank you for supporting me with no questions. It humbles me and my gratitude is overflowing.

The Nights We Felt Alive

Glimmers of light began to peek through the pub window on Friday night that turned into a Saturday morning. I yawned and stretched and peeked at the time: seven o'clock. Good morning, Deutschland. The music played on and I continued dancing knowing that these moments were going to eventually come to an end, as all good things do. I glanced over at my friends and thought back through the memories that surrounded this finite place that had become home. The laughter and the music ensnared us all in the same moment. The sky outside, blue and grey from the clouds above was soon filled with white. The snow began to fall rapidly and a someone shouted, "Es schneit!" (It's snowing) I grabbed Byron's hand and we ran out the door laughing, smiling, playing. I remember thinking to myself that I felt so alive. I felt so loved. I felt so myself. That night will forever and always remain a perfect memory.

Can't I Just Flip a Coin?

I must be the world's most indecisive person.

The family I am staying with is moving to London in February. For me, just five short months ago, I saw February as so incredibly far away.  When December rolled around, the move became very real for me when my host mom asked me what color paint I wanted my room to be in London.  My human nature kicked in and I began to panic. How am I to move away from this life here? Away from all these people I love, the friends, the life, the culture? For the past month, I've been seriously contemplating the move. For anyone who knows me very well, that means a lot of sleepless nights full of pro/con lists, long discussions with loved ones, and chocolate. I can promise you that the nature of my conversations and lists entailed enough to confuse even the world's most clever and organized minds, so I will spare all of you.

It took my very dear Australian friend Caitie to make me understand the obvious truth of the whole matter.  She simply said, "You already know the answer, Meg. It's there...just listen to yourself more carefully. And most importantly, only trust yourself." Her advice did not help me when it came to the amount of thoughts that flooded my head, but my decision came to surface within just a day or so following.

I weighed the pros and cons and did everything logical, but really this whole thing takes much more than that. I go back to the blogs I wrote in the beginning before I even came to Germany and see that what I wanted then and now are the same thing. I embarked on this trip, this job, this lifestyle so that I could travel and see the world. I came here with the intention to get out of my comfort zone and to voyage into the uncharted territory of my own human experience. Staying here in Germany is the antithesis of my goal.  It has been a lovely experience in the truest sense, but I believe that my time here is finished...for now at least.

When I think of London now, even with my mind made up, the decision is still haunted by my fear of regret, mistakes, and loneliness...I think of all the people I have met here. Especially all the friends that I have made unbelievable memories with. I will leave behind people I genuinely love.

Then I remember: "Wherever you go, there you are." I told myself that five months ago and now it is undeniably valid and the fact remains that it always will be. That saying both comforts me and kicks my butt at the same time.

February 18th will mark the beginning of a new home and a new world.  I think that to be excited about this next phase of my life is normal. The past five months in Germany have made a bigger impact on my life than the past 23 years combined. I can only imagine what is in store for me in the future, but I know that whatever it is, it all began right here in this wonderful space in time with these incredible people who do not even realize how they have impacted me.

Richmond Upon Thames, London--my new home

I Climbed a Tree to See the World

The warm whispers of home call to me from far across the ocean. But I know I am here for a reason. I climbed a tree, swaying in the wind. This is my tree, imperfect and like no one else's. It feels so unstable at times, it's foggy, and I cannot see out far in front of my own nose...but man, when that fog clears, I know I will be able to see for miles and miles. I have changed branches a few times, higher, lower, crawling further in and away. I may not be able to see it all at once, but the clarity that it will bring will be well worth my while. For now, I cling snugly and securely to this trunk. Branches and twigs break off from time to time, but they never hinder my effort or existence.

What a risk to take, climbing a tree in the wind, storm, and weather. I will probably fall down and there is the risk that it may collapse completely, snapping in two. Even harder to imagine is if I had I never embarked, I would never have been able to know the height of the tree, see the green of the leaves, or the feel breath of the wind. 

Building Home

The Haus-Meister at Cara's school in Bommersheim said hello to me today. I think we are finally making progress.

The daily routine as an au pair is anything but boring, and it is at times uncomfortable. I suppose that I had not really thought much about writing my experience because it is mundane, task-ridden, and non-glamorous. Yet there really is something that keeps me thinking that I will desperately miss this thirty years from now.

In the beginning, I felt like a stranger in a strange town, strange country, strange continent...you get the picture. My first day in town, my host mom insisted that I start working immediately. Jet lagged and hungry, I hopped on a bike that was entirely too tall for me and nearly fell over every time I came to a stop. I was riding to pick up the youngest child I care for based off of the small scribbled map I held in my hand.  I arrived late, but it was a miracle that I even arrived at all. The numerous autos buzzed past me at a close proximity as I rode down narrow German streets. Audi, ZOOM....BMW, ZOOM...Volkwagen, putt, putt, putttttt...

No one smiled, waved, or acknowledged another person's presence on the ride to the school. I figured at first that it was just a German thing, but I came to find out from other locals that it was just the area of town I lived in. They didn't take kindly to strangers, and trust me, I was a stranger in every sense of the word.

At her school, no one spoke English and this was the first time I was meeting her in person, so I wandered around this strange place with the strange language and felt utterly out of place. Calmness overcame me when a small blond child ran up and jumped into my arms. "Maegan, Meggie, Meggie, Meggie" she shouted. I had never even met her before, yet she already knew exactly who I was.  She must have known that I also needed that running jump hug for sure.

Time passed slowly at first...my first month seemed like enough time and energy to fill an entire year. There were days that I wanted to get back on a plane and come home because I felt wrong for the job. Three girls so close in age with a mom who works from home and a dad who travels 5 days a week for work makes for a challenging house-dynamic. But I realized that if anyone could do it, it was me. It was me who needed the attitude adjustment, not the grumpy residents of Bommersheim.

My mundane became a daily event to look forward to. At 3:00 every day, I hop happily onto my bike to pick Cara up from school. As I now ZOOM around the narrow streets, pass the castle remains, and the three tempting bakeries, I feel a sense of calm and acceptance. The locals started to recognize my face. At first it was nods, then they turned into "Guten Tag" greetings. I nearly fell off my bike (not unusual for me) when I saw the apple farmer smile and wave at me as though I was a friend.

This job has so many costs, but at the end of the day, the rewards completely outweigh them. Weekend trips to Paris and Rome are nice, but that is not what makes it feel so right. A family from a different part of the world has taken me in and made me one of their own so that I can fulfill my dreams of exploring Europe. I have made friends for life in so many wonderful people. I feel completely overwhelmed with love and friendship. My cup truly runneth over.

Colors

God knows how much I love the autumn. I laid down in the back yard today in a pile of beautiful leaves on top of still green grass. Sometimes I feel like this year's in Germany was made just for me. The landscape is much like home with the rolling hills and mountains in the backdrop. But the leaves are a colors that I have never seen before. The once vermillion reds have come up to a distinct crimson, almost chestnut in hue now. The brave reds are the first to fall this year onto the earth. The orange appears be next, its once saffron color is now wheaten. Last hanging on for the season in this chilly November is yellow. It is still bright as a dandelion, showing no signs of hindrance for its beloved losses of red and orange friends. The amazing thing about these leaves is that even on the ground, brown, and forgotten, they still show glimmers of life with green peeking out on the stems or edges. They have a life and a mind of their own, I am playfully convinced.

I watched the sunset at 5:05 PM today.  Usually my melancholy kicks in and I distract myself with happy music or fix myself a cup of tea, but tonight, I watched the sun go all the way down. Of course the sky itself was a beautiful mix of violet and orange, but the landscape itself always transforms into what I think are the most magnificent colors. The trees and remaining leaves glimmered with a copper-like radiance as the departing sun illuminated from behind. Just when I did not think it could look any more stunning, the sun disappeared and the dusk's sapphire overtook the copper. Finally the darkness from the sky surrounded me with a chill in the air and the first few stars began to appear in the sky. "I wonder what tomorrow's leaves will look like," I said to myself. After I got up and brushed myself off with a couple of remaining leaves in my hair, I noticed that no melancholy had even attempted to approach me. I accepted the sunset and the leaves falling, so why is it any different with my own life?

Change is a part of nature, accepted with grace. If I stand still, everything else continues to move, shift, change, fall, die, and become new once again. If I change with it, exploring, respecting, loving passionately, I can appreciate so much more about myself and others in this short, beautiful life. Ah, what a wonderful world...