The Nights We Felt Alive

Glimmers of light began to peek through the pub window on Friday night that turned into a Saturday morning. I yawned and stretched and peeked at the time: seven o'clock. Good morning, Deutschland. The music played on and I continued dancing knowing that these moments were going to eventually come to an end, as all good things do. I glanced over at my friends and thought back through the memories that surrounded this finite place that had become home. The laughter and the music ensnared us all in the same moment. The sky outside, blue and grey from the clouds above was soon filled with white. The snow began to fall rapidly and a someone shouted, "Es schneit!" (It's snowing) I grabbed Byron's hand and we ran out the door laughing, smiling, playing. I remember thinking to myself that I felt so alive. I felt so loved. I felt so myself. That night will forever and always remain a perfect memory.

Can't I Just Flip a Coin?

I must be the world's most indecisive person.

The family I am staying with is moving to London in February. For me, just five short months ago, I saw February as so incredibly far away.  When December rolled around, the move became very real for me when my host mom asked me what color paint I wanted my room to be in London.  My human nature kicked in and I began to panic. How am I to move away from this life here? Away from all these people I love, the friends, the life, the culture? For the past month, I've been seriously contemplating the move. For anyone who knows me very well, that means a lot of sleepless nights full of pro/con lists, long discussions with loved ones, and chocolate. I can promise you that the nature of my conversations and lists entailed enough to confuse even the world's most clever and organized minds, so I will spare all of you.

It took my very dear Australian friend Caitie to make me understand the obvious truth of the whole matter.  She simply said, "You already know the answer, Meg. It's there...just listen to yourself more carefully. And most importantly, only trust yourself." Her advice did not help me when it came to the amount of thoughts that flooded my head, but my decision came to surface within just a day or so following.

I weighed the pros and cons and did everything logical, but really this whole thing takes much more than that. I go back to the blogs I wrote in the beginning before I even came to Germany and see that what I wanted then and now are the same thing. I embarked on this trip, this job, this lifestyle so that I could travel and see the world. I came here with the intention to get out of my comfort zone and to voyage into the uncharted territory of my own human experience. Staying here in Germany is the antithesis of my goal.  It has been a lovely experience in the truest sense, but I believe that my time here is finished...for now at least.

When I think of London now, even with my mind made up, the decision is still haunted by my fear of regret, mistakes, and loneliness...I think of all the people I have met here. Especially all the friends that I have made unbelievable memories with. I will leave behind people I genuinely love.

Then I remember: "Wherever you go, there you are." I told myself that five months ago and now it is undeniably valid and the fact remains that it always will be. That saying both comforts me and kicks my butt at the same time.

February 18th will mark the beginning of a new home and a new world.  I think that to be excited about this next phase of my life is normal. The past five months in Germany have made a bigger impact on my life than the past 23 years combined. I can only imagine what is in store for me in the future, but I know that whatever it is, it all began right here in this wonderful space in time with these incredible people who do not even realize how they have impacted me.

Richmond Upon Thames, London--my new home