Suddenly, we received a phone call from another man who once held the place of mentor in our life. Our father called us from jail begging for bail money for crimes we still had yet to discover. What we did not expect was twenty-five years of secrets and deceit to come tumbling out of the jail cell with him.
When we arrived at the small county jail to pick him up, what we realized was that the man standing in front of us was someone with much deeper-seeded problems. He was someone we no longer recognized. He felt no remorse for his mistakes and denied everything.
We sought others in the form of friends and family for guidance and help in the situation. Only the people who knew him best. What they told us was to caution ourselves, guard ourselves, and keep each other safe from our father. We learned that trusting him was a mistake that we had continued to make over the years to perpetuate a lifestyle that we had grown so accustomed to. One of complete instability, negativity, and victimizing. We saw those qualities in our own lives and it scared us.
My father was brought up on several charges of dirty business dealings, something that was a trend from the past for him.
Our first inclination was to protect our younger siblings and my own mother, who had been hurt so many times before in their marriage.
After my brother and I mourned the loss of our friend and mentor the following day, we took another day to mourn the loss of another man that we had genuinely seen as a hero in our young lives. What we realized was that now, as adults, we had to overcome that idea. Now it was up to us to be our own ideas of success.
I have tried to do my part in seeking help for him by making arrangements with therapists and meeting with his family. He has rejected my help and the assistance of others as well. In his own mind, there is nothing wrong. And his legal trial is pending.
Although the mourning process has been coupled with mixed emotions and trying times, I have come out with a clearer picture of myself and my family. When secrets are no longer secret and lies are smashed to pieces, the world becomes a much less foggy place, even if the storm clouds take a while to clear out.
It will take time to overcome the events that continue to transpire, but what I can say is that I do not want to perpetuate the negative qualities that may exist in my own personality from my father. Rather than blaming him, I see it as a necessity to grow past.
It has brought the rest of the family closer in realizing that the man we once knew may not be here anymore. The reality is that all that he has done in his life is truly his doing. His responsibility. A series of choices that he will or will not take credit or blame for.
The other reality is that in this ambiguous loss, I take responsibility for how I react to it all. For how I respond and overcome. And that, in itself, is empowering.
