Odditites

The travel bug has got a tight grip on me here lately (I can't even lie, it's been my entire life story).  I miss a lot of obvious things about living overseas, but then there are the weird and strange ones. Here are a few...

• "Bitte Warten."--This phrase always flashed up on my computer screen when loading pages on my laptop in Germany. "Please wait" is what it translates to. Anytime I would search something in Germany, it would bring up the German page version. It took me about a month to get my computer to translate the pages to English. Of course I never knew that until I learned the language, but there was something comforting and fun about seeing it for the first time because I knew that I was not in Kansas (albeit Georgia) anymore.

• Train station food--Yes, I LOVED train stations obviously. Wonderful European transit. The cold air rushing in from outside with the smell of a warm chocolate croissant and coffee looming from nearby. Comfort food when you are far from home and picking a random place to go next...Amsterdam? Prague? Paris? Hmmm...

• Good airlines--Lufthansa, British Airways, Emirates, Air France...just to name a few. I got "homesick" for Germany just seeing Lufthansa's little yellow bird symbol the other day. Then I promptly downloaded their app for my new iPhone. But seriously....a lot of European Airlines are like flying in style...even in coach class.

• Language barriers--I love the sound of foreign languages...especially when I do not understand them. There is that option of choice for it. It is like music when you choose to listen, and background noise when you do not. With English, I have a harder time drowning it out...it just sounds noisy!

At least this sign was in Welsh and English both...

• Grocery stores--It will always be one of the best places to immerse yourself in culture. The best part is you cannot avoid them because they are necessary for traveling. It is a great place to see locals with their walls down, to see the differences and the similarities in cuisines, and of course, to discover new wonderful things to satisfy the belly.  I also learn everything I need to know about currency and language pleasantries as a result of my frequent grocery store trips. If you ever want to learn a language, just make sure to stay hungry!

• Living out of a backpack--It makes you realize how much you really need to live....and how much junk you packed the first time. I got good at packing very quickly after I brought what seemed like my entire wardrobe to Wales and England for my first trip abroad. Never again will I be caught dead rolling my huge suitcase down narrow century-old cobblestone roads. I've whittled it down to an nice 30 litre backpack...I seem to enjoy it better and it makes it a lot easier to start up conversations and feel more spontaneous when your luggage isn't a factor.

• Shopping and buying absolutely nothing--I learned to enjoy shopping immensely when I didn't feel like it was necessary or smart to buy anything. I could peruse and search for hours in piles of antiques and vintage goods or street markets and feel like I got more satisfaction just by exposing myself to it. It was all foreign and special to me, so even being able to see it was amazing 

• Starting over--This is probably the hardest one to admit because I am such a homebody. I found a real home in being away and in starting over multiple times whether it was re-locating cities are taking a train somewhere random. I liked feeling like everyone was a stranger (and then a potential friend of course). It seemed to be a new beginning a lot for me.  It is something I still crave even being in the comforts of home surrounded by people that I know love me for exactly who I am. But still, nothing will beat meeting someone from worlds away who makes you feel instantly connected. Travel has a way of making you feel amazed at the human experience.  Things feel so big out there in the world, but then, even one person or place can make you feel like you are exactly where you are supposed to be.
  

Ancient Human Conditions

"...the sea's only gifts are harsh blows and, occasionally, the chance to feel strong.  Now I don't know much about the sea, but I do know that that's the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong, but to feel strong, to measure yourself at least once, to find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions, facing blind, deaf stone alone, with nothing to help you but your own hands and your own head..."

     -Primo Levi

Hurdles

Life throws challenges my way a lot.  It wasn't until my recent experience in increasing my scuba diving knowledge to the next level that I found out exactly how hard it can be.

I have worked hard in my life before. I used to spend my high school summers working outdoors with my dad, a landscaper. I would spend evenings picking berries with my grandfather in the woods, dodging snakes and other wildlife in the summer heat. Working six days a week while putting myself through college was nothing short of a challenge. But the result of all the hard work always felt like it paid off in the end...specifically because I could see, feel, hear, sometimes taste the result.

After completing my Divemaster course, I did not feel this immediate sense of relief or value as I normally do.  The combination of the full 12-hour days full of physical challenges and mental hurdles (math+physics=Maegan is confused) was completely out of any sort of normal comfort level for me. The sense of accomplishment was faint, weary, weak.  I knew it was all in my head. Truly, it was just me that could not get a handle on it. I questioned everything...

Who had I done this for? Was it the company I work for? Was it my family? What did I have to prove?

It wasn't really until today when I sat up straight in bed and realized that task that I had completed. Not only had I done it because of my love for the ocean and being connected with it. I had learned so much in such a short span of time. I pushed through, gave it my whole heart, and I learned incredible lessons.

The most important thing I learned?  I, Maegan Miller do not give up and I do not back down. Challenges accelerate me forward.  Game, set, match.

Screaming out

My feelings do not match my actions. I have decided that although this is an inherent problem, it does not pose an immediate threat to my well-being.

I am in one of the most "cross roads" places I've ever been in my life and yet I appear completely stable from the outside.

I know I am about to embark on a huge journey. Whether physical or emotional, I can tell I'm nearly to that point where I will start asking myself all those big questions again.  The last time I asked, I got BIG results, BIG actions, BIG consequences, BIG realities. All obvious, staring straight into my soul.

I love that life challenges me to my core...but I am to the point now where I want some peace for a little while. Where I feel good in my own being.  Where I feel like I'm on my path. A path...anything to surface and breathe for a while.

Ironic to feel as though drowning is my current state. Just breathe. Just breathe. Just breathe.

I guess it is truly time to adjust my perspective a little. Let me tilt my head a little...hm, that's better. 

Christ of the Deep-Key Largo, FL
Photo by Eric :-D

Georgia

I am squinting my eyes a little as the sun is getting ready to set. Yet when I close my eyes here in paradise, I see Georgia in front of me. It is dusk and I am small. The garden that my dad planted is almost ready for harvest now. It seems acres long, and like it stretches endlessly to the foothills of the mountains, but I know that I am safe.  This is my own secret garden. He just called me and I pretend not to hear him.  "Watch out for snakes," he says.  My dress brushes up against the tall grass of the fields all around me. Barefoot, alive, and full of strength, I sprint to the end of the garden where I come out to a clearing. The sky is orange and I can see the fireflies begin to emerge. I fall into the summer grass and look up at the sky, trying to define with my young mind what the colors were. Little did I know, a Georgia sky at dusk would always be indescribable, but I would never forget it. 

Feeling Lost

People who live in the Florida Keys are mostly divided into one of two categories:  passer-throughs and stay-putters (Yes, very technical terms, I know). For me, I have noticed my attraction to the impermanent dynamics both in people, trades, and lifestyles.  The Keys, being an island, a vacation destination, and having rebellious history makes all aspects of normal life magnified times ten. The implications of that in the highs and lows are where it becomes its most evident. The extremes are bold, bright, and never-ending.

I think this means a lot for me about where I fit into the scheme of things here. It is difficult finding a real place... to feel normal, to feel myself.  In the short two months that I've been here, I've said goodbye to many, many people and friends. I realized that since I, too, am a passer-through, I will never feel "normal."  I have been finding the best aspects of people and appreciating it all for what it is...I will continue to feel comforted by things far outside my comfort zone. Thank goodness to the people here who have brought me out of my shell with spontaneity, love, and compassion.  In these moments, I feel truly alive.

Whitman said it best:

"Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes." 

Being honest with myself

Today, I felt perfectly and completely happy. I let go, I let live. 

Don’t let your history dominate your life. We have a choice. You can let your past be the ruler of your life—or, you can make a choice to change your attitude and perspective. 

Night Diving

The glimmer of the flash lights and glow sticks was basking all the way to the surface where I was cautiously snorkeling.  One of my greatest fears was being in the ocean at night, so naturally this venture was a big deal. This night trip was not something I necessarily wanted, but it was something I had to do for myself. The scuba divers were easy to follow for me. I skimmed the surface and occasionally got brave enough to free dive (hold my breath and dive down). The beauty of light in such darkness was entrancing. The sun had just set in a beautiful burst of oranges and pinks, typical for this part of the world, so the ocean still held some of the light of the day, but it slowly disappeared and the moon took over, casting its shimmers over the calm ocean.

However, the ocean, as peaceful as it is by night, is anything but sleepy.  The predators and nocturnal creatures awaken, and bio luminescence is abundant. I turned off my flash light to see the glowing at work. Waving my hand around, little plankton and worm bodies lit up in front of my eyes. It was overwhelming for a moment to think that this ocean was so incredibly full of life in every square inch of the place. I noticed some fish burrowing their way underneath their bed of coral and sand for the night. Shining my flashlight out into the open ocean, I could see for about thirty feet in front of me, and there were silhouettes of sea life in the distance.  Needless to say, it was nothing like I expected.

Do something that scares you

Four years ago, I was terrified of the ocean. I had been my whole life which was probably due to watching Jaws too many times as a young child (my mom forbade it, but I'm a terrible listener).  I joined my family on their summer vacation to the Florida Keys that summer four years ago, so when my dad asked on the drive down if I was interested in going scuba diving, I automatically, without hesitation declined. Then something happened. We arrived at our hotel on Marathon Key to a beautiful bay side sunset and a complete stranger on the beach asked me why I was so afraid of the ocean. She said that at her ripe age of sixty seven, she could only tell me one thing about life: her life began when she stopped fearing and started jumping. She said in those moments in her life, she felt truly alive.  You meet amazing people like that down here in the Keys all the time.

Needless to say, this new way of thinking shook me to my core. Yes, the ocean, mighty, powerful, expansive, and mysterious did scare me, but it was time to overcome.

The next morning, I was trained on the basics of diving with a Discover Scuba course and within only four hours, I was ready for my first official dive.  After we boarded and rode to the site of our first dive, I zipped up my wet suit, put on my heavy gear, and got into the water. All was going perfectly, but my heart was racing a thousand miles an hour. At the surface, my scuba instructor looked me in my eyes and said, "you want to do this, you will fall in love with this."  I breathed, slowed my heart rate, and gave the ok to go down. Not only did all my fear leave me, but I felt the most wonderful sense of calm. The silence of being underwater is one of the most unique things I have ever experienced.

Now, four years later, I am finally going to become certified as an Open Water Scuba Diver. It's hard for me to believe that I was ever afraid of the water considering how desperately I want to be in it again. I long for that calm under the surface, taking those first few breaths, and seeing a world that looks nothing like ours on the surface. When I descend the surface, the big blue ocean embraces me, and I am welcomed. I have come a long way not only with those original fears of the ocean, but also with other day-to-day things. The experience taught me volumes about myself.  If something makes my heart race, it is in those moments that I feel undeniably alive.

Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go?

The table is covered with stacks of plastic cups and empty food baskets, evidence of a successful night out at Sharkey's, the favorite hangout of Key Largo.  Boats line the canal beside the bar and people hop on and off occasionally to unite with friends here for their daily end-of-the-day ritual. The hard work of the diving world is eased with laughter and a cup of Shocktop beer completed with an orange. The term local refers not only to "Conchs," but also transplants from all of the world who love to call this place their home.

These people all have a common purpose whether they are travelers, locals, or passer throughs...they fell in love with something fantastic here in the Florida Keys. Life-long dreams are realized, accomplished, and created.

The dress code down here is simple. T-shirts, shorts, tank tops, flip flops. I stored all of my high heels and nice dress clothes away for another time, maybe never to open them again. Tanned skin and sunkissed faces suffice for "makeup." I think I could get used to this life.

The Keys people are resilient. Outlasting tropical storms, hurricanes, floods, and crazy Keys wildlife, it's a strangely intoxicating place...yet something about it sticks. I have yet to figure out exactly what that mystique is exactly, although I have a feeling that it's the adventure of seeking it that makes it what it is.  As for now, I sit with my legs crossed in my chair, new friends by my side in a place where no matter what happens, your cup of beer is always half full.

Auf Wiedersen Deutschland

First Friday night out in Frankfurt

Apfelwine tasting festival in Oberursel with Jenny Brunette, Jenny Blond, and Sarah

Alt-Oberursel Brauhaus--my first German meal--A Weizen and Schnitzel

Stuttgart wine festival with Caitie--we bought each other roses.

Crepes with my Aussie friend Taylor--Frankfurt Museum Fest

Checking out Swabian Castles with Emily--Ravensburg

Traveling to Italy-- The beautifulAlps in Innsbruck, Austria

Charlie's Angels in Florence, Italy

Italian train travel complete with Halloween cookies and guidebooks

Partying next to the Moulin Rouge with Aussie Katrina

Dancing on a bar? Check. Nice Liederhosen, Vici.

Not a goodbye...it's a "see you later."

Lions and Tigers and Bears, OH MY!

It was like being inside of a zoo, circus, and film all at once. The streets of Cologne were covered in every sort of costume both imaginable and never thought of. By day six of Carnival, the costumes and the streets were clear indications of the end of the season and the approaching of the 40 days of Lent. Dirty, torn, broken in, and sickened from days of drinking, the locals were clearly ready for a change (in both wardrobe and habit). I was anticipating the following days for a completely different reason. With my bag packed and the remainder of my belongings already far ahead of me, I am sitting at my gate awaiting my flight arrival. I leave behind a lot of people that I love and a country that became a second home in just a few short months. Will it be a new adventure or a complete disaster?  The only way to find out is to go.  After all, they say you can always go home. 

Köln Karneval

As many of you know, a week from today is my official last day in Oberursel, Germany. I make way to a new home in London, but not before I make a stop in Cologne for Karneval. I will arrive on Saturday and depart to London on Wednesday. That is four full days!

Now for those who have not heard of this event, it is basically an amped up version of Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Yes, you heard me right. That should give everyone and idea of just how serious the Germans are about the kick off to the lent season. I am not quite sure what to expect, but every local I talk to about it says basically the same thing: "Wow, Karneval, it's so crazy. Germans go absolutely crazy. You're going to think Germans are so insane." Naturally, I'm a combination of anxious, intimidated, and excited.  What better way to say goodbye to wonderful Deutschland than to party with crazy Germans for four days straight?  

Oh and did I mention the best part? Everyone dresses up in costumes. Every single person. Elderly people are suddenly transformed into sexy nurses and clowns complete with face paint and wigs. People even dress up their dogs (and for Germans, that is not surprising...they are infatuated with their pups). I'm deciding between a pirate and a 1920s gangster at the current moment, but with my limited au pair income, I'm thinking I will decide on whatever is easiest on the wallet.

As with many religious traditions like Karneval, there is a pagan background. Since the Romans settled the area, the origins of Carnival go back to 2000 years ago. However, Karneval as it's known today in Cologne dates back to 1823.  It features the same three "trinitarian" celebrities every year: the prince, the peasant, and the virgin. Each day from Thursday-Wednesday hosts a plethora of major events with its most popular on the streets of Cologne itself.  I am hoping and praying for above freezing weather! More on this later :-)

ERN

My friend got diagnosed with a serious form of cancer and that has really been making me contemplate the nature of my daily worries recently.

She is conquering all the fear with leaping, bounding success. This girl is not ordinary by any means.  At 25 years old, she boats a life of successes and victories. And this new challenge is daunting to her, no doubt, but her attitude is revolutionary. Let me explain...

Cancer? I've got this. Chemo? Bring it on! Shaving my head? I'll look better that way.

I am so proud of her bravery and courage, but I feel so proud to know her because she has stayed unapologetically and proudly herself through the whole process.  She is still finding herself, still learning, still discovering, accomplishing, achieving, loving, and mostly being Teri Jo.

Home is Whenever I'm With You

All that they say about love is completely true. The authors, poets, philosophers, film makers, and artists were not lying. All the rumors of its misery, its elation, and its insanity is completely and utterly accurate.

The last person I was with was my best friend before we started dating. When things finally ended, I half-expected to be won back and wooed into love because it's what always what happens in the movies, right? There is always the dramatic ending scene where one person runs down the street in the pouring rain to the other's house, sweeps them off their feet, and all is right with the world.  (Romantic Movie Scenes....awwww)  My ex told me in the end that things like that did not exist and that people did not really do that no matter how much love there was. I absolutely refused to believe him. I did not want to give up on that dream.

One of my best friends here in Germany, Julia, is a bartender at the Irish pub I frequent (to say I frequent it is an understatement). One night in November, she asked me to meet her at the pub as it was her night off. I walked in and said hello to Julia and saw a face that I did not recognize. Byron from Wales, also a bartender, was sitting with her and unfortunately for both of us, the attraction was instant, but I had just ended an engagement. Obviously the timing was off, so we became good friends instead.

On a cold and rainy December night, I parted ways with Byron at the train station in town. Angry and confused at how I felt for him, I walked away abruptly, without explanation or parting words. I walked quickly with a thousand thoughts running through my mind, Then it happened. I thought I was dreaming. He chased after me...in the rain. He kissed me...in the rain. A speech about life and regrets was given. He was eloquent and genuine.  That night would not be the last time our confusion and disillusion with real life would come into play. He chased me down more than once and it was so much more meaningful and romantic than in any movie I'd ever seen. But it came with a cost.

It's far from perfect what Byron and I had. He and I can admit that honestly. I feel like that is what makes what we had so great.  We kept ourselves attached enough to reality to understand the gravity of the situation, but we also don't forget how we felt for each other.  We both believe in equal parts fate and reality, romance and logic.

Then I decided to move to London....

Love hardly ever makes logical sense. The timing is almost never perfect. Emotions and outside factors complicate even the most stable of people.  If this whole living abroad experience has taught me anything, it is that there are people in my life who refuse to walk out even when it gets tough. There are people, not places, that will always be my home. At the end of the day, it's not the ones who quit on you that matter; it's those people who love you at your absolute worst and best and will chase you in the rain. I am loved. I am worth it. I know that now, more than ever.

The longevity of relationships does haunt me from time to time, but then I tell the thoughts to leave me. I cannot control life or its circumstances. To be honest, I don't want to. I am living in this moment right now as a result of circumstances that I often did not understand, appreciate, or welcome.

Thank you to all of you who have loved me unconditionally when I know it was not easy. Thank you for holding my hand, for making me laugh, crying with me, for listening to me. Thank you for supporting me with no questions. It humbles me and my gratitude is overflowing.

The Nights We Felt Alive

Glimmers of light began to peek through the pub window on Friday night that turned into a Saturday morning. I yawned and stretched and peeked at the time: seven o'clock. Good morning, Deutschland. The music played on and I continued dancing knowing that these moments were going to eventually come to an end, as all good things do. I glanced over at my friends and thought back through the memories that surrounded this finite place that had become home. The laughter and the music ensnared us all in the same moment. The sky outside, blue and grey from the clouds above was soon filled with white. The snow began to fall rapidly and a someone shouted, "Es schneit!" (It's snowing) I grabbed Byron's hand and we ran out the door laughing, smiling, playing. I remember thinking to myself that I felt so alive. I felt so loved. I felt so myself. That night will forever and always remain a perfect memory.

Can't I Just Flip a Coin?

I must be the world's most indecisive person.

The family I am staying with is moving to London in February. For me, just five short months ago, I saw February as so incredibly far away.  When December rolled around, the move became very real for me when my host mom asked me what color paint I wanted my room to be in London.  My human nature kicked in and I began to panic. How am I to move away from this life here? Away from all these people I love, the friends, the life, the culture? For the past month, I've been seriously contemplating the move. For anyone who knows me very well, that means a lot of sleepless nights full of pro/con lists, long discussions with loved ones, and chocolate. I can promise you that the nature of my conversations and lists entailed enough to confuse even the world's most clever and organized minds, so I will spare all of you.

It took my very dear Australian friend Caitie to make me understand the obvious truth of the whole matter.  She simply said, "You already know the answer, Meg. It's there...just listen to yourself more carefully. And most importantly, only trust yourself." Her advice did not help me when it came to the amount of thoughts that flooded my head, but my decision came to surface within just a day or so following.

I weighed the pros and cons and did everything logical, but really this whole thing takes much more than that. I go back to the blogs I wrote in the beginning before I even came to Germany and see that what I wanted then and now are the same thing. I embarked on this trip, this job, this lifestyle so that I could travel and see the world. I came here with the intention to get out of my comfort zone and to voyage into the uncharted territory of my own human experience. Staying here in Germany is the antithesis of my goal.  It has been a lovely experience in the truest sense, but I believe that my time here is finished...for now at least.

When I think of London now, even with my mind made up, the decision is still haunted by my fear of regret, mistakes, and loneliness...I think of all the people I have met here. Especially all the friends that I have made unbelievable memories with. I will leave behind people I genuinely love.

Then I remember: "Wherever you go, there you are." I told myself that five months ago and now it is undeniably valid and the fact remains that it always will be. That saying both comforts me and kicks my butt at the same time.

February 18th will mark the beginning of a new home and a new world.  I think that to be excited about this next phase of my life is normal. The past five months in Germany have made a bigger impact on my life than the past 23 years combined. I can only imagine what is in store for me in the future, but I know that whatever it is, it all began right here in this wonderful space in time with these incredible people who do not even realize how they have impacted me.

Richmond Upon Thames, London--my new home