I often feel like I fail by default....
I have always said, I'm unlucky, I'm a klutz, et cetera, you get the idea...
But recently, unbeknownst to me, I've been succeeding in more ways than I ever realized. It took my greatest failure yet to figure out all of my successes.
I failed at making my existence no longer known on this earth. It was all I could obsess over. When I was not sleeping, I was contemplating. How can I count the ways? And yes, people, what you are reading is true. I did not want to be alive anymore. I tried to make it happen.
Minutes crept by. Literal moments seemed like days in my head. Lying in my bed seemed like the only possibility for a location in time. Even then, I would rather have been asleep than awake so that the thoughts were not there. I did not want to see my phone with the calls or the messages from him...or anyone for that matter. I did not want to think about how I would feel when I did hear his voice or see his face.
For the first time in my life, I gave control and power to another human being over my own life. It was paralyzing. And it was literally killing my spirit. Words he said to me seemed like mountains of insecurity and despair.
But then something in me just changed. With my failure in eliminating my own human life, I realized that I need to be here for some reason.
I succeeded immediately because I sought help, something I seldom do. I asked, on my knees, with nothing left in my soul, for help. The people that surrounded me in support are people I will forever be grateful to. These people picked me up off of my face and told me that I was not alone.
Now I fill my days with the outdoors and sunshine. I surround myself with the people who picked me up off of my knees and loved me regardless, rather than giving up. This experience has taught me that love is not destruction, obsession, or control. It is really very simple. Love, to me, means mutually exisiting with others and embracing people for exactly who they are. I want this same blessing from others.
From the ruin and the rubble, I find myself emerging. It is not pretty or impressive... in fact, it is a little messy and clumsy. But guess what? I'm emerging, nonetheless. Brush me off and hold me close...I am still alive.
Here is to the best that we can all be--work hard to find it, and never give up on anyone, especially not yourself. Blow yourself away with strength and you will see yourself on the other side of that mountain, gleaming as bright, if not brighter than before.
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| The California sunset and I |
