Good vs Evil vs Meg

I'm looking up at the pattern of the fan spinning and thinking....where will I go next? Who will be there? And most importantly...when?

At twenty-four years old, instead of feeling young, all I can think of are the things I have yet to accomplish. My life goals and dreams infiltrate my nightly dreams. Sometimes I wake up thinking I am somewhere completely different.  It gives "disorientation" a whole new meaning.  But then I take a deep breath and remind myself that although I would much rather be at the destination, that the ultimate goal is to enjoy the journey for all it's worth.

No epic tales have ever skipped straight to the end, after all.  It was the fight for good and evil, love and heroism. The Bridge Too Far proved to be to not too far.  Indiana Jones always trolled past his fears (snakes, why'd it have to be snakes?) onto putting his great finds into museums. The encouragement that sometimes it only takes one man to change the world or that ideas are contagious. Ultimately, the thought that "to infinity and beyond" is nothing short of a regular day's work. Chivalry is not dead...and neither is the good fight for that breakthrough. That moment to truly feel alive.

I know that a lot of the entries are accounts of where I've been and what I have done and seen, but seldom is the time when I write about me....about my experience. And then it comes up, like the still small voice...a "Jiminy Cricket" for all you fellow Disney fans out there. I will quote it again and I am very sure that it is not for the last time:

"Wherever you go, there you are."

In order to experience these things in their fullest flavor, their most breathtaking colors, I need to really enjoy what it is to be me. Fortunately, I continually attempt this. I surround myself by life and love. By people who really mean it when they say it. My brother comes over with a six pack of beer to my little "matchbox" of an apartment at least twice per week, and it really reminds me of not only how much I am loved, but how often I am remembered.    I always wanted to be....unforgettable.

The globe will see my footprints. I will exchange breath, and life, and love, and goals.  I want to leave more than what the old adage of tradition holds. I want to be passionate. I want to have a legacy. I want to do just this. Not for myself or my conscience, but because I know that the world has always coerced human nature to do just that.

Explore, dream, create....just...do.  I cannot help this fierceness in my soul.  Contradictory as it is, I feel at home in this nature.

The whispers call to me from across the ocean, and they will continue to do so.  Will I listen?

Pretzels for Chloe

Pretzels for Chloe

It really is the little things...

On my flight to Atlanta, Delta handed me the the standard bag of pretzels and it gave me a flash back.

My sister was just like I was when I was young. She was enthralled with plane travel and the anticipation of an airport terminal. I would tell her stories of my flights and my layovers and she always had this sweet gleam in her eye. I always brought her home the souvineer from my flights. Sometimes a cookie or a flight magazine...but mostly the pretzels.

She finally got to fly for the first time when she was about nine. While she and my mom were located in the Atlanta area, my dad and brother were down in the Florida Keys setting up for the island life they all now share. For months she pleaded with my mom to give the poor family SUV a rest and take a plane for their next visit. After months of shameless begging, the Gilmore Girls were booked for ATL--MIA. She undoubtably reminded me SO much of myself.

And onto the flashback. I found myself stuffing the pretzels into my bag this evening much like before. Except now the little lady has grown. She embarks on her own flights and travels. She now had her own adventure stories.

I'm so happy to have a sister to share this with. Even so, every time I go somewhere, near or far (or I hope, VERY far soon), I will always think about pretzels for Chloe.

Solo--Not lonely

I often get asked the question about how I survived traveling alone for weeks at a time.  I, too, was initially apprehensive about it all. Thoughts of tables for one, getting lost, and being alone were somewhat of a reality when it actually came time to do it. But all in all, it is a myth that traveling solo is lonely. It's also a myth that it's dangerous...but I digress. A different story for a different day.

My favorite restaurant to date was a teensy little place in Paris called Chez Toinette. I'm not going to sit here and lie and say it was the most charming place ever. In fact, most people walked right past it because of its location. It's in between the districts of Pigalle (red light district) and Abbesses which is at the foot of the famous Montmartre just up from the Moulin Rouge. Needless to say, it's a less desirable area of the city. When I entered the restaurant, it was shocking how much it transitioned from the noisy streets to silence. The walls were splashed in an artsy red with photos all over the walls. This place was so small that it felt like you were sitting in someone's kitchen. Three amazing courses and two glasses of Bourdeux later, the entire restaurant was like a temporary home away from home. I met a couple from Australia to my left and a family from Boston on my right and the waitstaff came around announcing "free refills" to all the guests at the table. Well past their closing time, the waitress and the chef joined me at my table sipping on some champagne worthy of being a stand-alone dessert. Worlds away, we talked about all of our differences, our similarities, our countries, our love lives. We bore striking resemblances.  I was lucky that hostel was just a "stumble" away that evening.

I noticed that when I was alone in a foreign place, everything was hyper-sensory. I could smell, taste, feel, and hear everything far more clearly than I ever had before because I had no choice but to pay attention in my solidarity. My mind was like a sponge, harvesting all the details...the minor ones I can remember from places and times still surprise me.

I still have a preference for being utterly alone sometimes.  As a very social and lively person, this seems like the opposite of what my personality reflects, but for many people it is necessary.  These seemingly contradictory parts of me balance one another. I learn to appreciate the one and then the other in their own times and seasons.  In fact, I need one to have the sanity for the other.

My favorite thing about this solo travel was all of the people I collided with that I otherwise would have passed by with no thought. This short-term temporary family and home was more impacting and bonding than anything I have ever experienced.

Even so, the road does get lonely, no doubt.  For whatever reason, it never bothered me.  Perhaps this is because I've heard it said that if we really are all alone, then at least we are all together in that.

Odditites

The travel bug has got a tight grip on me here lately (I can't even lie, it's been my entire life story).  I miss a lot of obvious things about living overseas, but then there are the weird and strange ones. Here are a few...

• "Bitte Warten."--This phrase always flashed up on my computer screen when loading pages on my laptop in Germany. "Please wait" is what it translates to. Anytime I would search something in Germany, it would bring up the German page version. It took me about a month to get my computer to translate the pages to English. Of course I never knew that until I learned the language, but there was something comforting and fun about seeing it for the first time because I knew that I was not in Kansas (albeit Georgia) anymore.

• Train station food--Yes, I LOVED train stations obviously. Wonderful European transit. The cold air rushing in from outside with the smell of a warm chocolate croissant and coffee looming from nearby. Comfort food when you are far from home and picking a random place to go next...Amsterdam? Prague? Paris? Hmmm...

• Good airlines--Lufthansa, British Airways, Emirates, Air France...just to name a few. I got "homesick" for Germany just seeing Lufthansa's little yellow bird symbol the other day. Then I promptly downloaded their app for my new iPhone. But seriously....a lot of European Airlines are like flying in style...even in coach class.

• Language barriers--I love the sound of foreign languages...especially when I do not understand them. There is that option of choice for it. It is like music when you choose to listen, and background noise when you do not. With English, I have a harder time drowning it out...it just sounds noisy!

At least this sign was in Welsh and English both...

• Grocery stores--It will always be one of the best places to immerse yourself in culture. The best part is you cannot avoid them because they are necessary for traveling. It is a great place to see locals with their walls down, to see the differences and the similarities in cuisines, and of course, to discover new wonderful things to satisfy the belly.  I also learn everything I need to know about currency and language pleasantries as a result of my frequent grocery store trips. If you ever want to learn a language, just make sure to stay hungry!

• Living out of a backpack--It makes you realize how much you really need to live....and how much junk you packed the first time. I got good at packing very quickly after I brought what seemed like my entire wardrobe to Wales and England for my first trip abroad. Never again will I be caught dead rolling my huge suitcase down narrow century-old cobblestone roads. I've whittled it down to an nice 30 litre backpack...I seem to enjoy it better and it makes it a lot easier to start up conversations and feel more spontaneous when your luggage isn't a factor.

• Shopping and buying absolutely nothing--I learned to enjoy shopping immensely when I didn't feel like it was necessary or smart to buy anything. I could peruse and search for hours in piles of antiques and vintage goods or street markets and feel like I got more satisfaction just by exposing myself to it. It was all foreign and special to me, so even being able to see it was amazing 

• Starting over--This is probably the hardest one to admit because I am such a homebody. I found a real home in being away and in starting over multiple times whether it was re-locating cities are taking a train somewhere random. I liked feeling like everyone was a stranger (and then a potential friend of course). It seemed to be a new beginning a lot for me.  It is something I still crave even being in the comforts of home surrounded by people that I know love me for exactly who I am. But still, nothing will beat meeting someone from worlds away who makes you feel instantly connected. Travel has a way of making you feel amazed at the human experience.  Things feel so big out there in the world, but then, even one person or place can make you feel like you are exactly where you are supposed to be.
  

Ancient Human Conditions

"...the sea's only gifts are harsh blows and, occasionally, the chance to feel strong.  Now I don't know much about the sea, but I do know that that's the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong, but to feel strong, to measure yourself at least once, to find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions, facing blind, deaf stone alone, with nothing to help you but your own hands and your own head..."

     -Primo Levi

Hurdles

Life throws challenges my way a lot.  It wasn't until my recent experience in increasing my scuba diving knowledge to the next level that I found out exactly how hard it can be.

I have worked hard in my life before. I used to spend my high school summers working outdoors with my dad, a landscaper. I would spend evenings picking berries with my grandfather in the woods, dodging snakes and other wildlife in the summer heat. Working six days a week while putting myself through college was nothing short of a challenge. But the result of all the hard work always felt like it paid off in the end...specifically because I could see, feel, hear, sometimes taste the result.

After completing my Divemaster course, I did not feel this immediate sense of relief or value as I normally do.  The combination of the full 12-hour days full of physical challenges and mental hurdles (math+physics=Maegan is confused) was completely out of any sort of normal comfort level for me. The sense of accomplishment was faint, weary, weak.  I knew it was all in my head. Truly, it was just me that could not get a handle on it. I questioned everything...

Who had I done this for? Was it the company I work for? Was it my family? What did I have to prove?

It wasn't really until today when I sat up straight in bed and realized that task that I had completed. Not only had I done it because of my love for the ocean and being connected with it. I had learned so much in such a short span of time. I pushed through, gave it my whole heart, and I learned incredible lessons.

The most important thing I learned?  I, Maegan Miller do not give up and I do not back down. Challenges accelerate me forward.  Game, set, match.

Screaming out

My feelings do not match my actions. I have decided that although this is an inherent problem, it does not pose an immediate threat to my well-being.

I am in one of the most "cross roads" places I've ever been in my life and yet I appear completely stable from the outside.

I know I am about to embark on a huge journey. Whether physical or emotional, I can tell I'm nearly to that point where I will start asking myself all those big questions again.  The last time I asked, I got BIG results, BIG actions, BIG consequences, BIG realities. All obvious, staring straight into my soul.

I love that life challenges me to my core...but I am to the point now where I want some peace for a little while. Where I feel good in my own being.  Where I feel like I'm on my path. A path...anything to surface and breathe for a while.

Ironic to feel as though drowning is my current state. Just breathe. Just breathe. Just breathe.

I guess it is truly time to adjust my perspective a little. Let me tilt my head a little...hm, that's better. 

Christ of the Deep-Key Largo, FL
Photo by Eric :-D

Georgia

I am squinting my eyes a little as the sun is getting ready to set. Yet when I close my eyes here in paradise, I see Georgia in front of me. It is dusk and I am small. The garden that my dad planted is almost ready for harvest now. It seems acres long, and like it stretches endlessly to the foothills of the mountains, but I know that I am safe.  This is my own secret garden. He just called me and I pretend not to hear him.  "Watch out for snakes," he says.  My dress brushes up against the tall grass of the fields all around me. Barefoot, alive, and full of strength, I sprint to the end of the garden where I come out to a clearing. The sky is orange and I can see the fireflies begin to emerge. I fall into the summer grass and look up at the sky, trying to define with my young mind what the colors were. Little did I know, a Georgia sky at dusk would always be indescribable, but I would never forget it. 

Feeling Lost

People who live in the Florida Keys are mostly divided into one of two categories:  passer-throughs and stay-putters (Yes, very technical terms, I know). For me, I have noticed my attraction to the impermanent dynamics both in people, trades, and lifestyles.  The Keys, being an island, a vacation destination, and having rebellious history makes all aspects of normal life magnified times ten. The implications of that in the highs and lows are where it becomes its most evident. The extremes are bold, bright, and never-ending.

I think this means a lot for me about where I fit into the scheme of things here. It is difficult finding a real place... to feel normal, to feel myself.  In the short two months that I've been here, I've said goodbye to many, many people and friends. I realized that since I, too, am a passer-through, I will never feel "normal."  I have been finding the best aspects of people and appreciating it all for what it is...I will continue to feel comforted by things far outside my comfort zone. Thank goodness to the people here who have brought me out of my shell with spontaneity, love, and compassion.  In these moments, I feel truly alive.

Whitman said it best:

"Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes." 

Being honest with myself

Today, I felt perfectly and completely happy. I let go, I let live. 

Don’t let your history dominate your life. We have a choice. You can let your past be the ruler of your life—or, you can make a choice to change your attitude and perspective.