Being honest with myself

Today, I felt perfectly and completely happy. I let go, I let live. 

Don’t let your history dominate your life. We have a choice. You can let your past be the ruler of your life—or, you can make a choice to change your attitude and perspective. 

Night Diving

The glimmer of the flash lights and glow sticks was basking all the way to the surface where I was cautiously snorkeling.  One of my greatest fears was being in the ocean at night, so naturally this venture was a big deal. This night trip was not something I necessarily wanted, but it was something I had to do for myself. The scuba divers were easy to follow for me. I skimmed the surface and occasionally got brave enough to free dive (hold my breath and dive down). The beauty of light in such darkness was entrancing. The sun had just set in a beautiful burst of oranges and pinks, typical for this part of the world, so the ocean still held some of the light of the day, but it slowly disappeared and the moon took over, casting its shimmers over the calm ocean.

However, the ocean, as peaceful as it is by night, is anything but sleepy.  The predators and nocturnal creatures awaken, and bio luminescence is abundant. I turned off my flash light to see the glowing at work. Waving my hand around, little plankton and worm bodies lit up in front of my eyes. It was overwhelming for a moment to think that this ocean was so incredibly full of life in every square inch of the place. I noticed some fish burrowing their way underneath their bed of coral and sand for the night. Shining my flashlight out into the open ocean, I could see for about thirty feet in front of me, and there were silhouettes of sea life in the distance.  Needless to say, it was nothing like I expected.

Do something that scares you

Four years ago, I was terrified of the ocean. I had been my whole life which was probably due to watching Jaws too many times as a young child (my mom forbade it, but I'm a terrible listener).  I joined my family on their summer vacation to the Florida Keys that summer four years ago, so when my dad asked on the drive down if I was interested in going scuba diving, I automatically, without hesitation declined. Then something happened. We arrived at our hotel on Marathon Key to a beautiful bay side sunset and a complete stranger on the beach asked me why I was so afraid of the ocean. She said that at her ripe age of sixty seven, she could only tell me one thing about life: her life began when she stopped fearing and started jumping. She said in those moments in her life, she felt truly alive.  You meet amazing people like that down here in the Keys all the time.

Needless to say, this new way of thinking shook me to my core. Yes, the ocean, mighty, powerful, expansive, and mysterious did scare me, but it was time to overcome.

The next morning, I was trained on the basics of diving with a Discover Scuba course and within only four hours, I was ready for my first official dive.  After we boarded and rode to the site of our first dive, I zipped up my wet suit, put on my heavy gear, and got into the water. All was going perfectly, but my heart was racing a thousand miles an hour. At the surface, my scuba instructor looked me in my eyes and said, "you want to do this, you will fall in love with this."  I breathed, slowed my heart rate, and gave the ok to go down. Not only did all my fear leave me, but I felt the most wonderful sense of calm. The silence of being underwater is one of the most unique things I have ever experienced.

Now, four years later, I am finally going to become certified as an Open Water Scuba Diver. It's hard for me to believe that I was ever afraid of the water considering how desperately I want to be in it again. I long for that calm under the surface, taking those first few breaths, and seeing a world that looks nothing like ours on the surface. When I descend the surface, the big blue ocean embraces me, and I am welcomed. I have come a long way not only with those original fears of the ocean, but also with other day-to-day things. The experience taught me volumes about myself.  If something makes my heart race, it is in those moments that I feel undeniably alive.

Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go?

The table is covered with stacks of plastic cups and empty food baskets, evidence of a successful night out at Sharkey's, the favorite hangout of Key Largo.  Boats line the canal beside the bar and people hop on and off occasionally to unite with friends here for their daily end-of-the-day ritual. The hard work of the diving world is eased with laughter and a cup of Shocktop beer completed with an orange. The term local refers not only to "Conchs," but also transplants from all of the world who love to call this place their home.

These people all have a common purpose whether they are travelers, locals, or passer throughs...they fell in love with something fantastic here in the Florida Keys. Life-long dreams are realized, accomplished, and created.

The dress code down here is simple. T-shirts, shorts, tank tops, flip flops. I stored all of my high heels and nice dress clothes away for another time, maybe never to open them again. Tanned skin and sunkissed faces suffice for "makeup." I think I could get used to this life.

The Keys people are resilient. Outlasting tropical storms, hurricanes, floods, and crazy Keys wildlife, it's a strangely intoxicating place...yet something about it sticks. I have yet to figure out exactly what that mystique is exactly, although I have a feeling that it's the adventure of seeking it that makes it what it is.  As for now, I sit with my legs crossed in my chair, new friends by my side in a place where no matter what happens, your cup of beer is always half full.

Auf Wiedersen Deutschland

First Friday night out in Frankfurt

Apfelwine tasting festival in Oberursel with Jenny Brunette, Jenny Blond, and Sarah

Alt-Oberursel Brauhaus--my first German meal--A Weizen and Schnitzel

Stuttgart wine festival with Caitie--we bought each other roses.

Crepes with my Aussie friend Taylor--Frankfurt Museum Fest

Checking out Swabian Castles with Emily--Ravensburg

Traveling to Italy-- The beautifulAlps in Innsbruck, Austria

Charlie's Angels in Florence, Italy

Italian train travel complete with Halloween cookies and guidebooks

Partying next to the Moulin Rouge with Aussie Katrina

Dancing on a bar? Check. Nice Liederhosen, Vici.

Not a goodbye...it's a "see you later."

Lions and Tigers and Bears, OH MY!

It was like being inside of a zoo, circus, and film all at once. The streets of Cologne were covered in every sort of costume both imaginable and never thought of. By day six of Carnival, the costumes and the streets were clear indications of the end of the season and the approaching of the 40 days of Lent. Dirty, torn, broken in, and sickened from days of drinking, the locals were clearly ready for a change (in both wardrobe and habit). I was anticipating the following days for a completely different reason. With my bag packed and the remainder of my belongings already far ahead of me, I am sitting at my gate awaiting my flight arrival. I leave behind a lot of people that I love and a country that became a second home in just a few short months. Will it be a new adventure or a complete disaster?  The only way to find out is to go.  After all, they say you can always go home. 

Köln Karneval

As many of you know, a week from today is my official last day in Oberursel, Germany. I make way to a new home in London, but not before I make a stop in Cologne for Karneval. I will arrive on Saturday and depart to London on Wednesday. That is four full days!

Now for those who have not heard of this event, it is basically an amped up version of Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Yes, you heard me right. That should give everyone and idea of just how serious the Germans are about the kick off to the lent season. I am not quite sure what to expect, but every local I talk to about it says basically the same thing: "Wow, Karneval, it's so crazy. Germans go absolutely crazy. You're going to think Germans are so insane." Naturally, I'm a combination of anxious, intimidated, and excited.  What better way to say goodbye to wonderful Deutschland than to party with crazy Germans for four days straight?  

Oh and did I mention the best part? Everyone dresses up in costumes. Every single person. Elderly people are suddenly transformed into sexy nurses and clowns complete with face paint and wigs. People even dress up their dogs (and for Germans, that is not surprising...they are infatuated with their pups). I'm deciding between a pirate and a 1920s gangster at the current moment, but with my limited au pair income, I'm thinking I will decide on whatever is easiest on the wallet.

As with many religious traditions like Karneval, there is a pagan background. Since the Romans settled the area, the origins of Carnival go back to 2000 years ago. However, Karneval as it's known today in Cologne dates back to 1823.  It features the same three "trinitarian" celebrities every year: the prince, the peasant, and the virgin. Each day from Thursday-Wednesday hosts a plethora of major events with its most popular on the streets of Cologne itself.  I am hoping and praying for above freezing weather! More on this later :-)

ERN

My friend got diagnosed with a serious form of cancer and that has really been making me contemplate the nature of my daily worries recently.

She is conquering all the fear with leaping, bounding success. This girl is not ordinary by any means.  At 25 years old, she boats a life of successes and victories. And this new challenge is daunting to her, no doubt, but her attitude is revolutionary. Let me explain...

Cancer? I've got this. Chemo? Bring it on! Shaving my head? I'll look better that way.

I am so proud of her bravery and courage, but I feel so proud to know her because she has stayed unapologetically and proudly herself through the whole process.  She is still finding herself, still learning, still discovering, accomplishing, achieving, loving, and mostly being Teri Jo.

Home is Whenever I'm With You

All that they say about love is completely true. The authors, poets, philosophers, film makers, and artists were not lying. All the rumors of its misery, its elation, and its insanity is completely and utterly accurate.

The last person I was with was my best friend before we started dating. When things finally ended, I half-expected to be won back and wooed into love because it's what always what happens in the movies, right? There is always the dramatic ending scene where one person runs down the street in the pouring rain to the other's house, sweeps them off their feet, and all is right with the world.  (Romantic Movie Scenes....awwww)  My ex told me in the end that things like that did not exist and that people did not really do that no matter how much love there was. I absolutely refused to believe him. I did not want to give up on that dream.

One of my best friends here in Germany, Julia, is a bartender at the Irish pub I frequent (to say I frequent it is an understatement). One night in November, she asked me to meet her at the pub as it was her night off. I walked in and said hello to Julia and saw a face that I did not recognize. Byron from Wales, also a bartender, was sitting with her and unfortunately for both of us, the attraction was instant, but I had just ended an engagement. Obviously the timing was off, so we became good friends instead.

On a cold and rainy December night, I parted ways with Byron at the train station in town. Angry and confused at how I felt for him, I walked away abruptly, without explanation or parting words. I walked quickly with a thousand thoughts running through my mind, Then it happened. I thought I was dreaming. He chased after me...in the rain. He kissed me...in the rain. A speech about life and regrets was given. He was eloquent and genuine.  That night would not be the last time our confusion and disillusion with real life would come into play. He chased me down more than once and it was so much more meaningful and romantic than in any movie I'd ever seen. But it came with a cost.

It's far from perfect what Byron and I had. He and I can admit that honestly. I feel like that is what makes what we had so great.  We kept ourselves attached enough to reality to understand the gravity of the situation, but we also don't forget how we felt for each other.  We both believe in equal parts fate and reality, romance and logic.

Then I decided to move to London....

Love hardly ever makes logical sense. The timing is almost never perfect. Emotions and outside factors complicate even the most stable of people.  If this whole living abroad experience has taught me anything, it is that there are people in my life who refuse to walk out even when it gets tough. There are people, not places, that will always be my home. At the end of the day, it's not the ones who quit on you that matter; it's those people who love you at your absolute worst and best and will chase you in the rain. I am loved. I am worth it. I know that now, more than ever.

The longevity of relationships does haunt me from time to time, but then I tell the thoughts to leave me. I cannot control life or its circumstances. To be honest, I don't want to. I am living in this moment right now as a result of circumstances that I often did not understand, appreciate, or welcome.

Thank you to all of you who have loved me unconditionally when I know it was not easy. Thank you for holding my hand, for making me laugh, crying with me, for listening to me. Thank you for supporting me with no questions. It humbles me and my gratitude is overflowing.

The Nights We Felt Alive

Glimmers of light began to peek through the pub window on Friday night that turned into a Saturday morning. I yawned and stretched and peeked at the time: seven o'clock. Good morning, Deutschland. The music played on and I continued dancing knowing that these moments were going to eventually come to an end, as all good things do. I glanced over at my friends and thought back through the memories that surrounded this finite place that had become home. The laughter and the music ensnared us all in the same moment. The sky outside, blue and grey from the clouds above was soon filled with white. The snow began to fall rapidly and a someone shouted, "Es schneit!" (It's snowing) I grabbed Byron's hand and we ran out the door laughing, smiling, playing. I remember thinking to myself that I felt so alive. I felt so loved. I felt so myself. That night will forever and always remain a perfect memory.